One year ago today…
I cracked my eyes slightly and squinted in the morning light streaming through the window of my bedroom. I fumbled about until I grasped my basal thermometer and turned it on. I dozed off just slightly while it counted up, and the beep woke me again. 98 still? I was nearly a week “late”, but so irregular that it didn’t much matter. Still, I had promised myself the night before that I would test today if my temperature was still high. I would make good on that promise just to ease my mind.
I didn’t tell my husband my ever-so-slight hope that this would be our month. It was month 25, after all. Two full years of this. We were both over the excitement of pregnancy tests. They were just another staple to grab from the dollar store once a month. Just in case.
I quickly showered and prepared for my work day. I didn’t have any tests in the house, because I was trying to stop wasting money every single month for something that seemed like it wasn’t going to happen. I’d go on my lunch break, I thought. No reason that I couldn’t wait that long.
On my way to work, I allowed myself to daydream. What if? What if I took that test and it WAS positive, for the first time in over 2 years? It was right before Easter, and I imagined going into a local boutique and buying the Jellycat bunny I had in mind for my as yet non-existent child. I would tell my husband that way, since bunnies had become our theme. Our angel baby has a big fluffy white bunny that brings me comfort when I start to particularly miss him/her.
I walked into work just as usual, and went to my desk. I decided on a glass of water, for some reason I just wasn’t feeling coffee that day. I remember my supervisor asking WHY I wasn’t drinking coffee. Was something wrong? Totally unlike myself.That morning dragged. I really didn’t have high hopes for that test. I figured I’d buy one and bring it back to work. My head started to ache. It was going to be a long day.
I was struggling to concentrate, not sure why I felt so lousy. At some point I remember a coworker walking in the front door and sending me outside. I began to realize that everyone was being sent out. By some accident, we had been exposed to a carbon monoxide leak.
I sat on the office steps breathing in the fresh spring air, and feeling faint. The thought crossed my mind that there would be no need to test today. Carbon monoxide poisoning was no joke. If there WAS a baby, it surely wouldn’t survive this. Did I even want to know? I thought perhaps I could shield myself from the pain. The EMT’s insisted that I ride in the ambulance, though I didn’t want to. I was going to drive myself. Except…I was just so dizzy. So insanely dizzy. Soon enough, I was seated in the ambulance and we were on our way.
During triage I made the crazy decision to tell the nurses I had planned to take a test that day. They asked about my last cycle, and raised eyebrows when I said 35+ days. They didn’t know my routine, or that this was perfectly normal. They sent me to the bathroom with a little cup in hand. A few minutes later I was in my little hospital bed with an oxygen mask on my face. My husband sat at the foot of the bed and we waited to hear how I was.
I distinctly remember my brother telling me how beautiful I was with that ugly mask on. He’s affectionate, but doesn’t go out of his way to give compliments typically. It was so sweet! My parents arrived, and came to see me. Somehow it happened to be only myself and my husband in the room when the sprite little doctor showed up. He was a small man with a thick accent and kind eyes.
“So, you know we took a pregnancy test.” He began matter-of-factly. I nodded.
“It appears to be positive.”
“Really??” I glanced down at my husband in complete shock, and saw the huge smile spread across his face. Not the way I intended to break the news to him, but so sweet to see his surprise nonetheless!
The doctor assured me that the low amount of CO I’d been exposed to shouldn’t affect the baby. I wasn’t even concerned for myself anymore at that point. I was sent home after a few hours on high flow oxygen, and made an appointment to see the OB the very next day. Today, my four month old daughter sleeps peacefully in her swing as I type, and my heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness for the outcome of that day. One of the most beautiful days of my life!
And that, my friends, is what happened, one year ago today.